MOONY TUNES

What is it with TV and moony lesbians? You can’t have two girls in the same show these days without a certain frisson, an undercurrent of unspoken possibility and before you know it everyone else has left and the two girls are instantly engaged in a quick round of hide the vegan sausage. Nothing wrong with that I might add, it’s simply the inevitable consequence of having two pretty women alone in the same room, no, it’s what happens later that I question. They will drift off contentedly and we will cut to the face of one, her head deep in a pillow, slowly opening her eyes only to find the other looming over her, her head tilted and her face conveying a slightly mad moony look that says I’ve been watching you in your sleep, for hours. No woman does that, it’s terrifying, if I woke up and found my wife watching me with an ever so slightly demented face on I would move to the spare room, not that I have a spare room, if I did my sons would have hidden it, maybe I do then. You know what? It’s not just TV lesbians it’s also gay men, mostly young gay men, post sex one will inevitably be found on the bed mooning at the other, no that’s not right, mooning is when you point your naked bottom in the general direction of the away crowd after a successful game of rugby, not mooning then, unless it’s a special occasion, moony, a young gay man with a moony expression. No man does that, gay or otherwise. I have worked in posh retail for years, uh-oh I can feel a stereotype coming on, and I have had countless gay clients of both sexes and I can state with complete confidence that they do not look at each other in a funny way. How they do look is completely ordinary. I am sure that when a lesbian couple goes home they aren’t suddenly overcome with the urge to just sit and gaze at each other all button eyed, they would have much more important things to do like clean the bathroom or do the laundry, although doing the housework twice as quickly as a straight couple could leave them a little time to stare. Should they want to. My point, somewhat meandering is, where are the real gay people on television? Film seems a little better but on TV why do gay characters have to act gay? Is it because very often the actors are straight and are acting? Perhaps the expression is a combination of direction and the actor’s surprise. ‘In the next scene you will be in close proximity to another pretty girl so we thought we might squeeze in a quick bit of girl-on-girl action for the sake of realism and the fourteen to ninety-three year old male demographic. Oh and afterwards could you look at her like you love her in that uniquely gay way. Not a question.’