Let me start with a little background. My name is Richard Baker, I was named after the legendary BBC newsreader, a favourite with my mother and just about the whole nation at the time. I was not grateful. For a modern equivalent imagine calling your child Huw Edwards. I have had a life of professionally … Continue reading A HIGHER STANDARD OF TWADDLE
CLIMATE PRIMATE
Like most things about the Earth our climate is a fucking miracle but being human we can’t help but think that it’s existence has something to do with us. In a way I suppose it does, we are after all the ultimate expression of countless aeons of ceaselessly churning ecology, if the Earth speaks then … Continue reading CLIMATE PRIMATE
LOVE WHO YOU LIKE
In the late seventies, when I was sixteen and a half, I asked one of my ugly friends if he knew why I wasn't very popular. He looked at me with wry bemusement. 'I think you're really popular,' he said. 'For someone who's gay.' Being gay came as something of a surprise to me, mainly … Continue reading LOVE WHO YOU LIKE
THE WOKE FOLK CONTRADICTION
Let's imagine that you are modern individual. You are young, or like to think of yourself as young, let's say 29, an age at which at a less indulgent time in history you would have been considered middle-aged. You work in website development, it doesn't pay all that well but because you still live with … Continue reading THE WOKE FOLK CONTRADICTION
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
I met Shaffer in a pub quite by chance. He came over and stood next to me at the bar and without warning picked up my fresh pint, raised it in front of his face and let go, catching it in his other hand, between his hip and his knee, without looking down or spilling … Continue reading THE TIME OF MY LIFE
THE POINT OF SALES
‘Hello and welcome everyone, I expect you're all wondering why I've called you here this morning, well, it’s to announce an exciting new sales initiative dreamt up by George, stand up George, from our point of sale and promotions department.’ ‘We have a point of sales and promotions department?’ ‘Point of sale, Frank, sale. And … Continue reading THE POINT OF SALES
THE WAR TO END ALL WARS
In light of the month and the need for remembrance I thought I would share a poem I have written. You may have to read it more than once. It is primarily about the First World War but the themes apply to all war; hapless, helpless, hopeless. Eternal. I know it is unlikely, and despite … Continue reading THE WAR TO END ALL WARS
IT’S NOT THE JOURNEY IT’S THE DESTINATION, MOTHERFUCKERS
Seriously? You didn't see this coming? You're whole life thus far has been leading up to it for fucksake. Now you're surprised? Do you think you're special? That it's not going to happen to you? Fucking numpty. Didn't you get an inkling when Steve Jobs died? Too long ago? What about David Bowie? Stephen Hawking? … Continue reading IT’S NOT THE JOURNEY IT’S THE DESTINATION, MOTHERFUCKERS
INFATUATED WITH THE FAT YOU ATED
Butter is really good for you, so is meat, lots of meat, as much meat as you can eat. Bacon and ham are not meat, they were once but now they are made of cancer. Cancer and eggs tastes okay but might need some HP. Make sure you eat enough good fat as it is … Continue reading INFATUATED WITH THE FAT YOU ATED
THE PITILESS PERFECTION OF BINARY
I was in the West End recently with elder son Jake and wanted, for reasons too woven to explain, to verify the distance of the Sun from the Earth. I could have asked Siri this most simple of questions but as he is as dim as a box of squirrels I couldn't be arsed. Besides … Continue reading THE PITILESS PERFECTION OF BINARY
THE RUMOURED EXISTENCE OF MONEY
Someone, somewhere is blowing half the money you paid for your house on a well earned weekend break with all his mates in a surprise tropical location, well, it was a nice house. It is incredible to think that you worked for over twenty five years to pay your mortgage and twelve and a half years … Continue reading THE RUMOURED EXISTENCE OF MONEY
THE ACCIDENTAL HUMAN 