Butter is really good for you, so is meat, lots of meat, as much meat as you can eat. Bacon and ham are not meat, they were once but now they are made of cancer. Cancer and eggs tastes okay but might need some HP. Make sure you eat enough good fat as it is great for your heart, liver and kidneys, because they move around a lot and need the fat for lubrication. The more good fat around your vital organs the better but for God’s sake keep the bad fat away from your pancreas. The pancreas is where the diabesity comes from so make sure you eat enough sugar, it must be the good white stuff though, brown sugar is terrible, it is made of dirt and will make your Nescafe taste like bad breath.
Some fat is saturated in fat, other fat is non-saturated in fat, there are also trans fats which are confused about whether they are saturated or not and possibly like wearing dresses at the weekend. Cholesterol is another bad fat and can be lowered with something called a Statin, unless of course it’s good cholesterol which doesn’t need lowering because it’s good. Statins are cotton wool balls compressed into small pills that once swallowed bump along inside you mopping up cholesterol. When a Statin is full it moves to the ear canal where it can be taken out with tweezers. Sometimes people can be spotted with Statins full of cholesterol in their ears in urgent need of removal, this looks unpleasant, especially if they fall out on a first date.
Good cholesterol can be found in margarine, which is man made by men in a laboratory and full of natural goodness, like nylon. Margarine is especially good on sliced white bread, the type that comes in a plastic bag and is still fresh six months after it has been opened. Avoid buying bread that goes stale, going stale is simply a ploy to make you buy more bread that goes stale. If the stale bread has mould on it give it to the poor so they can use it as antibiotics that don’t work. Sliced bread is officially the greatest thing, unlike butter, which is like the aforementioned butter only now it’s bad for you, we know this because scientists reserve the right to change their minds.
If you think you might be consuming too much of the wrong type of fat then drink some red wine, it doesn’t do anything to the bad fat but it will make the rest of you drunk. I drink lots of red wine, as much as I can, for its anti-oxidizing properties. This is particularly useful if you have a lot of iron in your blood as it stops it from rusting but be careful as it can also excite free radicals and you don’t want them gathering on your front lawn waving Reverse Brexit signs. Wine is positively life preserving, it cures heart disease, ringworm and stupidity unless of course it’s a Chablis and a Thursday and you are female and over fifty, when it is actually terribly bad for you, leads to loneliness, addiction and early bedtime, though it does qualify you for book club.
Whatever you do avoid fruit and vegetables, these are the real killers, and are sometimes used as a substitute for the right kind of meat and butter in a diet. The government has been running a campaign for years to help identify the worst five types of fruit and veg in case we are ever confronted by them on a plate. The Americans are considering something similar but not only identifying them but also hunting them down, putting them in camps and separating them from their baby vegetables. If you suspect you have been served fruit or veg their potential damage can be lessened by a generous sprinkling of salt. Make sure you use the clean factory type and not the sort that comes from mucky rocks found on a beach by a man in waders.
Not everyone get to enjoys good food of course, there are unfortunate people who suffer from a condition called Vegans which makes them allergic to meat and dairy and leather and glue and anybody made of meat. This means they can only eat stuff that isn’t food and have even been known to steal seed sticks from budgies. They are easy to spot as they are often smelly, pallid, friendless, thin and their poo floats, though that last one might be tricky to confirm. If you see someone you suspect is suffering from chronic Vegans do not approach them as in their delirium they have been known to mistake people’s kindness for legumes and their fingers for carrots.
Above all remember health is a mirage, we are all ninety percent fat and ten per cent meat with a sprinkling of salt and sugar but we contain absolutely no vegetables at all, nor should we, there’s a message there, I just don’t know what it is.
THE ACCIDENTAL HUMAN 