Like most things about the Earth our climate is a fucking miracle but being human we can’t help but think that it’s existence has something to do with us. In a way I suppose it does, we are after all the ultimate expression of countless aeons of ceaselessly churning ecology, if the Earth speaks then … Continue reading CLIMATE PRIMATE
In the late seventies, when I was sixteen and a half, I asked one of my ugly friends if he knew why I wasn't very popular. He looked at me with wry bemusement. 'I think you're really popular,' he said. 'For someone who's gay.' Being gay came as something of a surprise to me, mainly … Continue reading LOVE WHO YOU LIKE
Seriously? You didn't see this coming? You're whole life thus far has been leading up to it for fucksake. Now you're surprised? Do you think you're special? That it's not going to happen to you? Fucking numpty. Didn't you get an inkling when Steve Jobs died? Too long ago? What about David Bowie? Stephen Hawking? … Continue reading IT’S NOT THE JOURNEY IT’S THE DESTINATION, MOTHERFUCKERS
Butter is really good for you, so is meat, lots of meat, as much meat as you can eat. Bacon and ham are not meat, they were once but now they are made of cancer. Cancer and eggs tastes okay but might need some HP. Make sure you eat enough good fat as it is … Continue reading INFATUATED WITH THE FAT YOU ATED
Let me start with a little background. My name is Richard Baker, I was named after the legendary BBC newsreader, a favourite with my mother and just about the whole nation at the time. I was not grateful. For a modern equivalent imagine calling your child Huw Edwards. I have had a life of professionally … Continue reading A HIGHER STANDARD OF TWADDLE
Warning: What follows contains cynicism. It is opinionated, probably inaccurate, possibly libellous, inconsistent in tone and somewhat rambling. If you are of fragile political sensibility you might be offended and your tea may well exit through your nose. The point of politicians is increasingly lost on everyone except politicians. There was a time when we … Continue reading ANY SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED ARGUMENT IS INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM BULLSHIT
It is Friday night and I find myself at a corner table in the pub, as if by magic. I look up, chewing lightly on my bottom lip, staring at the freshly pulled beer, anticipating the extraordinary first mouthful. I don’t drink very much but what I do drink I enjoy. It is interesting that … Continue reading 5.972 SEXTILLION TONS
The first house I ever lived in was number 25 Poplar Avenue. It was nothing special, a fifties suburban semi, but I loved it. Primary school was at the top of the hill and as a shy child the walk home was always more about the destination than the journey. Our front gate had 25 … Continue reading THE EXPLICABLE PERSISTENCE OF MINI METROS IN THE MIND OF SOMEONE LOOKING OUT FOR THEM
When I was a boy if my father was ever in error or had a misadventure he would always somehow manage to give the impression that whatever it was hadn’t actually happened. This gave rise to the notion that my father was unerring, which he was, except he wasn’t. It’s just that I have absolutely … Continue reading BUILT-IN OBSOLESCENCE VS. BUILT-IN REDUNDANCY
Celebrity clips toe nails. Woman loses phone signal. Man doesn’t see point of twitter. Space ship reaches Pluto. Am I alone in thinking that the media and the public may have lost their collective sense of wonder? I mean we have recently witnessed quite possibly the most remarkable feat of technology and engineering for a … Continue reading HEY PLUTO
THE ACCIDENTAL HUMAN 