‘Hello and welcome everyone, I expect you’re all wondering why I’ve called you here this morning, well, it’s to announce an exciting new sales initiative dreamt up by George, stand up George, from our point of sale and promotions department.’
‘We have a point of sales and promotions department?’
‘Point of sale, Frank, sale. And yes we do, well, we have George and he’s come up with something quite brilliant, nothing short of a retail revolution. I’m not over selling it am I George? Anyway, over to you.’
‘Thank you Michael for that most generous introduction. The Posap department are proud to bring you something completely new, nothing less than the future of retail! It is our intention to give all of our loyal customers a perfect day of Christmas shopping bliss.’
‘That doesn’t sound very new.’
‘Well Sally there’s a bit more to it. When I say day I mean day, we will be focusing all of our Christmas discounting onto one single day. Twenty four hours of goodwill to all men. And women.’
‘Good Lord! How on earth will we do that?’
‘Well John, we will gather together all of our best selling products and lower their prices radically, but just for one day. We will select the best quality items only so that the customers get a really great deal and sell them at genuine reductions. We will have Christmas elves in the stores to guide customers and to serve them complimentary mulled wine and mince pies, creating a joyous atmosphere. It will be so unexpected and wonderful that all of our competitors will be left scrambling to catch up. Just think of all the happy faces as delighted shoppers wander contentedly about wafted on a breeze of Christmas carols and scented candles. Holly, decorations, party bags and nothing but brilliant bargains, it’s going to be so Christmassy!’
‘Does it have a name George?’
‘It certainly does Gary. Bearing in mind the time of year and how everything is covered in a glistening blanket of snow I thought we would call it, white Saturday.’
‘How lovely.’
‘Thank you Amy, it took me ages to think it up. Well that’s about it, back to you Michael.’
‘Alright everyone, settle down, exciting yes? The board are very keen to implement George’s plan in its entirety, with just a few amendments.’
‘Yes George, nothing major, just a few operational tweaks. First up, quality always sells so don’t include it, get out all the stuff that we haven’t been able to shift throughout the year and only reduce prices by about twenty per cent, we can inflate them beforehand so the discount looks bigger.’
‘Isn’t that just a sale?’
‘Not at all Gwyneth, sales cost a fortune, we will only be selling old tat our customers don’t want, in all the excitement they won’t notice. We will pile the few better things near the doors so they can be seen from the street and block as many aisles as possible, chaos is good, we will need to turn the escalators off and shut down the lifts, they can all use the stairs.’
‘What about customer management?’
‘Let’s call it crowd control Alan, no problem, I’m thinking less elf and more orc, maybe we could herd them with sticks and whistles, and no mulled wine or candles, we don’t want drunk people setting fire to each other.’
‘Won’t that spoil the ambience?’
‘Which part?’
‘The no candles.’
‘It might Frank so we’ll turn half the lights off instead, as a bonus they won’t be able to see what they’re buying, while you’re at it turn off the heating, I want them cold, and no carols, just play Cliff Richard over and over. As for which day we do it, well obviously it can’t be a Saturday, it’s too good a shopping day.’
‘What about Friday? Fridays are always a bit rubbish.’
‘Excellent, and make sure you alert the media so the world can be horrified by the less well off wrestling over a Christmas jumper, and make them pay for the party bags.’
‘We will have to change the name if it’s on a Friday.’
‘Very true Kate, it sounded too nice anyway, I want less Bing Crosby and more state of emergency.’
‘Dark Friday?’
‘Not bad.’
‘Black Friday? Like dark Friday only darker.’
‘Black Friday it is. As I said a retail revolution. George it’s your baby, any thoughts?’
‘Roasted chestnuts?’

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