DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER

People don’t read anymore, you’re not reading this but in case you are, hello Mum. If you are not my Mother then I have to assume that you don’t really want me to tell you anything so I will do my very best to only tell you things you think you are already aware of. Having worked in my shop for many years I am very used to being asked specific questions only to watch the asker lose interest the second I start to answer because they feel threatened by the prospect of hearing something they don’t know. Their gaze will glaze and slowly slide away, ‘Yeah, yeah’ they will say, as I attempt to get their attention back by not answering the question asked but by changing the subject entirely. On occasion I have even been known to slip the names of random fruit and vegetables into the discourse just to see if they notice. Usually they don’t. What has this got to do with reading I hear you ask? Nothing at all, but as you have got this far I can only presume that you are the exception that disproves the rule, perhaps you want me to tell you something that you don’t know. I am guessing the virtues of LED light bulbs won’t cut it nor the joy of going home at lunchtime to make a freshly sliced chewy brown sandwich, nope you want something real avocado and the more I keep writing the less chance there is of you reading it because this post is beginning to border on the incomprehensible and is quite possibly even boring. Is it though? Is it boring? Are you still with me? Because we lost another reader back there and they didn’t even notice the random vegetable, assuming that an avocado is a vegetable, hang on, nope, it’s a fruit, don’t worry though that’s not the great unknown thing that I’m going to tell you, about twelve per cent of the population already knew that, actually I was one of them cucumber, I pretended not to know just to make you feel good about yourself because I’m willing to bet that such an avid reader as you is also in that twelve per cent. Am I right? Of course I am. Cucumber then, fruit or veg? Be very careful, this one is trickier than it seems, it’s a perfect example of something you’re sure you know but have actually been misinformed about for years, like my Dad telling me cretins came from Crete, throw in my misdirection and your near certainty becomes a little murky. Only seven per cent of the sweetcorn population know what a cucumber really is, are you in that seven per cent? Are you? You think it’s a fruit don’t you? Because of the avocado, sorry you’re wrong, cucumber is most definitely a vegetable, oh wait, no, it’s a fruit. Damn you’re good. Put your hands together for Mister or missus seven per cent. Actually sorry, the percentages I keep quoting are meaningless, I’m playing on your vanity again, I made them up just to keep you reading, I like having you around. Did you notice the sweetcorn? Of course you did. Fruit or vegetable? This is the last one I promise and almost certainly the thing you don’t know. Don’t look away, you’re almost at the end, hold the course, you are not bored. You are not bored. Rats, there goes another one. Sinking ship and all that. Just you and me left then. The big time. Sweetcorn, fruit or vegetable? Wrong! Not a fruit and not a vegetable! It’s both! Boom! How cool is that? Told you this was worth reading, well, not in so many words but who would have thought? An education right here. Telling people stuff is the bomb. What do you mean you already knew? And sweetcorn is also a grain? Oh for goodness sake, is that you Mum?

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